betrayal, anger, terror, revenge

Betrayal, anger, terror, revenge.... seems like from out of some Hollywood feature movie. No, it describes the lives of some myeloma survivors, I read from the ACOR's multiple myeloma forum. These are "real" people, some of whom have been living with myeloma for 10 to 19 years. For some, the myeloma journey is short, if they have the aggressive kind. For those with slow-growing, and now with many new targeted drugs, myeloma can be kept in control and one's "expiration date" gets extended.

Someone said that after his diagnosis, he had mentally prepared himself, his family and friends for an early termination, said his "good-byes", asked for forgiveness, written his will, ticked off his "bucket list", but his good doctors kept him alive longer than expected, he felt embarrassed after saying all the farewells that he is still around! True, many of us go through similar emotions and reactions.

One long timer mm survivor (19 years) had this to say, quoted below. I feel very encouraged after reading her post and realised that my 3 years is really nothing compared with the many people like her who have been courageously living with myeloma - gone through the many instances of CR (complete response) and relapses. This is the reality of myeloma. You wonder whether it is one's good fortune or misfortune, sometimes you want it all to end, better sooner than later. Sometimes, you feel quite good, your quality of life seems normal and you want to live on, as long as possible! and then when you get news of relapse, your world falls apart... yet again.

For some, the effects of myeloma mean a life with severe pain and organs dysfunction and for others, the distress caused by the drugs administered can be just as challenging.

I find BB has described well how best to live with it and not allow this dreadful illness take control. From these "experienced" survivors, I am learning to ride the waves.

She reminds me to be real, to face my fears, to allow room for my emotions, not to despair, not dwell in self pity but to get on and live well....IT IS POSSIBLE...

"Cancer changes our landscapes. We've been betrayed by our bodies and the world looks very different. Each remission is a joy, each relapse means redefining what I can do. After a while, I've learned to ride the waves. Some have been bigger than others, but I've learned that I am a survivor and that life will indeed go on....

Some folks feel that they have to be stoic no matter what, but to me, that robs us from being real. We ARE scared from time to time; we ARE angry that life has dumped misery at our doorsteps, and we ARE, at times, utterly terrified.

It's tough to remain "strong" through all that myeloma brings with it. I'm not a big fan on dumping our crap on everyone we see, and that despite our pain, we do need to get on with our lives. Living well is the best "revenge" we can take for myeloma....

Yes, we CAN and I hope folks will learn to live with myeloma and not worry too much about dying from it. That's the sadness....to let myeloma take over one's life. Especially now that myeloma is becoming a chronic illness for so many of us, our "expiration dates" keep moving longer and longer.

The message is to keep hangin' in there, be strong, and allow yourself periodic moments of weakness. We are, after all, human beings. If we are not kind and gentle to ourselves, we will forever feel "guilty" by not living up to our own standards of how we "should" behave.

The sun will come up every morning. For what it's worth, I learned a long time ago that usually, I have to get up and get on with the day. I truly don't know how else to live."

For me, I know that I can find strength from our compassionate GOD, our Ebenezer. He gives me my daily bread (of strength and endurance), my beloved family (especially my devoted husband, whose love and affection is exemplary) and my community of caring and kind-hearted church friends. How does GOD show His love? through all these whom He has surround me with. From the Bible we can find the needed comfort and peace to persevere. So therefore... "open for me the gates of righteousness, I will enter and give thanks to the LORD" ps.118:19

Far from the maddening crowd

Far from the maddening crowd and be back to nature, back to walks in the parks and gardens and less in the crowded places. The 5th cycle of Vidaza as well as 10mg of Revlimid daily for 21 days has caused wbc to drop to 2.4 (as expected). This time round I was quite tired and for a week I needed to rest and sleep more during the day. My tummy was affected too and it was important to be close to the lavatory. I should be better in a couple of days and wbc should go back up. (update: the test result today 20th Aug, wbc 3.06 and neutrophil 50% amounts to 1,530 which is up from 1,008 of last week. Good improvement. My normal could average at 2,400.)

Sembawang Park still retains old world charm, surrounded by several black and white houses and humongous aged trees with overhanging roots, canonball trees, stone benches and verdant green grass. We walked towards the beach and sat by the north shore. There were some youngsters fishing and in half an hour they caught some small fishes and tiny crabs. It was a lovely morning with a slight drizzle. Thank GOD for the simple beauty of nature around us, even in a busy and bustling city like Singapore

passing on

Last week my 85 year father-in-law passed on after 5 days in ICU. He had collapsed, possibly due to a heart event. The paramedics found him without pulse and bp but when he was brought to the A&E, the doctors managed to resuscitate him. However he did not regain consciousness during the 5 days, his brain was damaged due to the lack of oxygen for the 40 minutes it took to bring him to the hospital.

We were very grateful for the many friends and relatives who came to pay their respect. Someone said you know who are your friends, they show up at your funeral. And we are touched by the many friends whom we have not seen for some years, they came to comfort our grief and spoke words of encouragement to us.

At the crematorium both Paul and his brother (there are only two of them in the family) shared memories of their father.

Paul spoke of two things he remembered. He was a man of few words, like most Asian fathers, he was not demonstrative in his affection. He was a man of actions. He showed his love as a good provider. He was a hardworking man. He gave his utmost in doing and completing his work well. Brother-in-law Moon, said that his father was very disciplined especially after being cured of cancer of the bladder at 37, with eating healthy and exercising regularly. Being a simple and frugal man, he set up his own exercise regimen with a punching bag in his backyard. He avoided the salty Cantonese diet.

Later on, Uncle Kai Poh reminded Paul, that his father was also a courageous man, who stood up for what he believed and would not hesitate to speak up (i.e. to his boss) for what is right.

Physically he was strongly built and he kept himself mentally healthy by reading the weekly Times magazine. Frequently he would remind Paul to bring the old issues (he saw no reason why he should subscribe when he could get it from us, some weeks later).

He love to cycle to the shops or the market, though we warned him of the dangers cyclists face along the roads and even more so when you are old. It was only just a year ago that he was strongly persuaded to give up his 2500cc motorbike.

As we reminisced of this man, he had many praiseworthy qualities and we will miss him. We each have our journey on earth, one life to live, what memories would we leave, what impact to lives of people we meet along the way.

3 days camp 3 days hospital

Finally I am back to telling you what has been happening the last couple of weeks.

Paul and I (and Russ) went to Malacca for the BKC camp. It was a refreshing time of learning from the book of Habakkuk, the camp teacher was LTJ from Ravi Z ministry. It was a very lovely time of fellowship and studying from the bible.

My 3 nights at the camp was matched with 3 nights at the hospital!

I had a bad cough with a fever. Dr. G wanted to keep the infection under control. With the intravenous antibiotic, the fever subsided quite rapidly and I did get better quite fast. He took the opportunity to improve my immunity with IVIG and also did a bone marrow aspirate.

I have spent the last week resting and recovering, still a little cough now and then.

My vulnerability to infection is due to the low wbc caused by dexa, and my on-going oral treatment requires me to still be on dexa and Dr G wants to increase it to control the m-spike. We are still not sure what to do. Please pray from guidance from the LORD.

isaiah one

The book of Isaiah was written thousands of years ago, so how relevant is it to our present day Christians. How to bring its spiritual truths to make sense to our new generation of church-goers. We read recently of mega churches bringing the message in almost hip-hop style to attract people to the Christian faith. Where do we draw the line? Christianity is presented in a concert-like set-up with all the accompanying top-of-the-line musical gadgets and sound system. Fashion shows and beauty contests are par for course, the accepted norms. Is church becoming a community center with all its activities to gather people for a "good time". I hope not. Will reading the book of Isaiah make sense to this present generation? Our bible study group has just started this 22-week sojourn. I was so encouraged by the lessons from Jeremiah and I know this huge tome of writings by prophet Isaiah will no doubt be challenging and I am looking forward to it.

Our first lesson centered on GOD's lament over the Israelites' phoney worship, their fake religiosity. Their acts of piety and offers of sacrifices were just rituals and customs to placate a GOD whom they thought did not see their unethical, immoral and acts of injustice. Sin had grown to epidemic proportion.

This same message from Isaiah rings true today. GOD is not on the radar screen of most Sunday-Christians. From Monday, they are back to brow-beating their employees, squeezing the last penny from their suppliers, cursing and back-stabbing their colleagues .... GOD is being switched off in the day-to-day living and dealings.

"your whole head is injured, your whole heart afflicted , from the sole of your feet to the top of your head there is no soundness."

GOD will not stand for this detestable behavior, their righteousness has become dross and diluted..."like oak with fading leaves, like a garden without water, the mighty man will become tinder and his work a spark; both will burn together and no one to quench the fire." What a condemnation!

Yet, our GOD Almighty, extends a hand of reconciliation for the repentant, "Come now, let us reason together, though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they red as crimson, they shall be as white as wool, if you are willing and obedient, you will eat the best of the land." GOD offers purification, not destruction! The rescue that GOD brings about does not violate His nature - He will provide the sacrificial Lamb to redeem mankind.

busy, busy, busy

Whatssup? Yep, I have been quiet for quite some weeks, so, whatssup? We are in the process of re-making the kitchen. Our kitchen almost 11 years old has crashed out on us, some doors and drawers were coming apart. We just have to take the bold step to do a MAKE-OVER. With some help, we have decided to re-organise and some walls will come down.

Sometimes we want to wait to find the right time to do something major like this but really there is no perfect time, you just have to organise your life around it. So we are glad to go ahead, reminding ourselves to be calm with every move and not be too stressed. So far, so good. It's 2 weeks now and Paul has been back home every now and then to check the progress. (We are out of the house for 1 month - to stay away from the noise and dust).

lotusinpond

Finally the lotus in our fish pond bloomed! For a long time we only had green leaves but 2 days ago it started to bud and now we have this lovely lotus flower. When it comes after a long break, such natural beauty can bring great delight to the beholders. Indeed when we wait patiently our Creator rewards our patience. Of course, we could have added flowering fertiliser to speed up the process, but no need, in its right time it will surely bloom. We see this enchanting lotus when we walk down the stairs and look out of the window into the garden; this quiet and delicate beauty is just so uplifting - we give thanks and praise to our LORD - He is the Creator.

Last week, on a few days, I was feeling a little down, I must admit I felt "useless" it did not trouble me too much or too long, in fact I could even have a sound and restful sleep. (I have the tendency to compare myself to others, the well and the sick - even some sick people can be so useful, the trouble with me is I want to be a doer) But our LORD in His grace, helped me to overcome this little downtime. The next morning, I woke up energised and I managed to clear my wardrobe of clothes that I can no longer wear. My clothing size has increased (sadly). It was quite a sort-out without any help. Boxes containing my old working clothes were brought out and cleared. All these are going to Salvation Army. At the end of the day, I was very happy and satisfied with my "usefulness". Our gracious LORD enabled me and gave me the energy to do this little work. "I can do all things through Christ who strengtheneth me"

This week, He brought cheer to us with this beautiful lotus in the pond.

a little inspiration for the day

Some inspiring words for the day.....

"Live simply, Love generously, Care deeply and Speak kindly.'

"Happiness keeps you sweet, Trials keeps you strong."

"Sorrows keeps you human, Failures keep you humble."

"Success keeps you growing, but GOD keeps you going."

Comforting words

This song was sent to me June 2008 by a young man whom I have not even met, to this day. It was through Adele that I received it. I found out later that he is son of an ex-BKC friend, God works in wonderful way. He has written this for his friend and also sent it to me when he learned of my illness. Now and then as I write my blog I would listen carefully to the words. It is really very heartfelt. I have pulled out the lyrics here to meditate and to reflect. It lifts me up and I am sure you will be encouraged by it too.
We all have difficult experiences of varying degrees and sometimes, yours unlike mine (which I cannot hide) you may keep yours in silence and your pain is just as great, may the words of this song lift you into the fold of our heavenly Father loving arms. He promised "I will never leave you nor forsake you".

Yesterday we were reminded of the heartbrokenness of dear A whose wife SC went home to be with the LORD. Such sadness and sorrow we can never fathom until we suffer the same loss. May our LORD comfort him wholly.

Carry You

When it feels like you’re walking alone
And the sand on your feet burns
When it’s hard to believe how far you must go
When it’s hard to believe you’re not the only one

When your life’s dry, unstable and broken
And the beat of your weathered heart slows
And it’s tough to know it hurts to be alive
And it pains to know we cry just for you

So remember to rely on He whose footprints are bigger than yours ownself
The burden on your back will never leave you
He will carry you

When you’re thirsty and your soul is hungry
The oasis is out of sight
When it’s hard to see pass the glare in front of you
When you’ve given your all but your all just ain’t enough

So remember to rely on He whose footprints are bigger than yours ownself
The burden on your back will never leave you
He will carry you

So remember to rely on He whose footprints are bigger than yours ownself
The burden on your back will never leave you
He will carry you

Cross the sand
Cross the sand
Cross the sand
Cross the sand to where You are

So remember to rely on He whose footprints are bigger than yours ownself
The burden on your back will never leave you
He will carry you

If he carried the weight of the world upon His shoulders
I know my brother that He will carry you
If he carried the weight of the world upon His shoulders
I know my sister that He will carry you

all's well

All's well with me. Sleeping well and eating well. Good energy for most part of the day. on dexa off-day, I do feel fatigued and achy but once back on dexa, the next day - thursday, which is TODAY, I am all charged up. So maybe that's why I have the impetus to blog on thursday.... Ah, any meeting up with friends is best done post-dexa. Any mental stimulation, reading, writing... works well post-dexa.I actually woke up this morning and thanked GOD for dexa. SO can you imagine what occurs post-dexa days, I am not so thankful, I have to confess.

Paul has been traveling since 1 April, about a week now. But it's not a problem for me. Not at all, I have been very well cared for.On Good Friday, friends were waiting at church entrance to welcome me to sit with them for the service. The choir performed superbly! It was a very worshipful rendition of The Servant King. They deserved a standing ovation, but this is church so that cannot be done. And behind me was sitting an ex-choir member who sang along on the Hallelujah segment, what a beautiful voice she has. At the end of service I turned around to check out who she is... what a lovely surprise.. a member from my care group.

On Sunday, I was again well taken cared of and was brought out to lunch with several friends to a charming, youngish cafe at Serangoon Gardens. This group of young adults in their late twenty has done up the place nicely, the walls of the stairway was studded with lego...so original! Most importantly, the food was good, the specially grilled tenderloin was the most tender I have tried, really super. I tasted a small piece from C. I had ordered pork stew with lots of peas, very healthy and tasty!

Monday was spent with 3 friends to learn a new mentally challenging game involving tiles. I have a long way to go to understand all the strategies. It's better than Soduku, in my opinion, is lonely and individual exercise. I like to be with people. Not too many, a few will do.

Bible study on Tuesday, I drove there myself and with my mask on. Cough and sniffles are plenty around.

On Wednesday, I finally caught up Ir, also a mm patient. We had to postponed earlier cos she came down with a cold. When we are down, we have to stay home to recover. It was a good time to talk about our experiences and to encourage each other on. She looks very well since 2008 when I first saw her after her auto stem cell transplant, the post transplant took a long time for her to get out of, but now she is looking radiant!

Well, the days have been fruitful and well occupied. Today, Paul will be back in the afternoon. He will be surprised with my "active" week! I must show him that I can cope and manage on my own... of course with my devoted friends rallying around me.

THANK GOD for this loving community of believers!

a little setback

I have recovered from the episodes of cough and cold - was almost 4 weeks since CNY. For that time I had to keep off the mm medication especially dexa, since it affects the body's ability to mount immunity for infections. As a result of this period without med, the m-band went up from 7.5 to 11.5. Of course this is not encouraging but actually quite frustrating. I have to get back either on an intensive treatment or a less intensive one. Since for the last time, the response was already very good with a less intensive regiment, we have opted to go with the less intensive and monitor it for one month and change if we need to.

However for the coming 2 months or so, I have decided to take precautions and decided to wear a mask when I go outside of home. (otherwise Paul will forbid me from going out, what is the point of taking the meds if each time, infections cause disruptions to the treatment process - I agree). The doc is not recommending that I should alter my lifestyle, I am not that sick! But we certainly know that DEXA has its downsides!

Regimen will be 3x thalidomide and 1x dexa per week and zometa infusion.

I do require your prayers and understanding (if you see me I will be masked, people generally are "afraid" of masked faces - I am not sickly, just that I cannot afford to pick up any infection, else the treatment process will be long drawn). Do not avoid me. I can go out and do normal activities

My dexa day is Wednesday which means that I will be extra "hyped up" on Thursday..Friday - meaning I will be very cheerful, talkative, happy (quite unlike the real me! but it is really good to be uppity for a few days of the week) When I visited the eye doc on one Wednesday, she was so pleased to talk to such a "friendly" me - meaning that all other times, I don't have a too cheerful disposition...sorry! I should be thankful for this positive but short-term aspect of dexa effect on me!

Ah...but what goes up must come down...yes I will have dexa "down" days too. I hope you will not avoid me on these days, I can be very quiet and uncommunicative... and I blame it on the dexa. Really, it is quite beyond my control, I say dexa is neurotoxic. But knowing this is dexa effects, I shall try very hard to overcome, only by GOD's grace and enabling.

Oh yes, I must be very thankful that I have now found out how to overcome the insomnia caused by dexa, I take it after dinner, and I sleep through the whole night...no more sleepless nights!

I found out about this from the website ACOR - Association of Cancer Online Resources - it has been very helpful to receive advice from other mm patients. I find that there are so many people with this condition and how they are coping with it and the various treatment options. Some of them have to live with this for so many years... the long and tiring journey. Some have much more severe problems and they are living with it with such courage. I am very encouraged by their testimonies and willingness to help others by sharing how they handle and cope with the side effects of meds, what to look out for in a transplant etc.

1Thessalonians5:16-18 "Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is GOD's will for you in Christ Jesus."

trustees of the faith

We are "trustees of the faith" hlc coined this phrase to express what apostle Paul instructed Timothy when he said, "O Timothy! Guard what was committed to your trust..." 1Tim6:20

Wow, I have not heard our responsibilities being put this way.

A trustee has the duty to defend what he has been entrusted with. He has a duty of loyalty to the institutor of the trust. He has a duty to administer the trust in the best interest of the beneficiaries.

These are some of the responsibilities of a trustee. He has to protect and guard the trust and follow strictly the instructions given by the institutor of the trust. He cannot choose to deviate from the specific requirements of the trust and must exercise due diligence and care in discharging his duties.

Apostle Paul has commanded Timothy to be a "trustee of the faith", to guard what was committed to his trust. As Christians, we are entrusted with the faith that was freely given but not without responsibilities. We are to defend the faith. How many of us see it as a trust? GOD has chosen to trust us with this wonderful gift of salvation. He has found us worthy to protect and guard it. We have been chosen to be loyal to it and to proclaim it with all honesty. We are to strictly look to the Institutor of this trust so that we exercise care and diligence in discharging our responsibilities. It is an awesome responsibility and a privilege to be appointed a trustee.

Let's take time to contemplate this task.

lunch ladies

I am posting on some past events which are worthy of being posted - because these are reminders of happy times. Happy times must be shared and remembered!

Three weeks ago (that was the one week I was well between the two bouts of flu), met with 4 friends whom I have not seen for a year or so. I really needed to assure them that I am alive and kicking and all by GOD's grace and favour.

I had lunch with SH, J, T and I. SH,J and I were my walking friends, we walked at the Botanics. T was my tennis partner (she has since hung up her racket).

It was marvellous to be able to update everyone about ourselves, quite a lot has changed for each one of us with our families. We were able to share openly of our "challenges". T was very helpful in talking about how to relate with grown-up children - very wise words.

I scrolled through the travel photos (on the Iphone) of T and her family. The son has grown so tall (in NS), the last I saw him was when he was in primary school - he was a little fella. The daughter grown so lovely.

I just so thankful to the LORD for all my friends and how they are part of my life in different ways.

CBD 2nd

Two weeks ago, we celebrated with the team at CBD at Gleneagles, their 2nd anniversary. I was one of the early patients and we are glad to be around for the celebration! We met many other patients - mds, mm etc. We took a photo with Dr. T and another patient A and husband W. W has been working hard on preparing the materials to start a MDS support group.

A and I look well under the watchful care of our doctor!

Missing here are the nurses, I must remember to get one with them at our next visit.

coughing again

It's really frustrating that I came down with another bout of cough so soon after the last one in Feb. I really have been very careful and it could be that while going for dental works and having to open my mouth WIDE...some germs could have got back in! I am sure I will laugh about it when I get better. I always feel awful to have to report to Dr T that I am sick. He has to assess when I need to start on antibiotic or when I have to hold back on the mm medications...like dexa... I think dexa makes me prone to infections. I looked back at my past records and most time after being on dexa for a few weeks I got some kind of infection. Dexa works well for me in bringing down the mm but it has various negatives - infections, insomnia (but I overcame that), mood swings etc, these are minor compared with the serious "internal" problems which come with long term use. But Dr. T always scale down the dose at the right time.

Today I am much better. I shall be really carefully not to pick up any more germs.

PS. Paul caught my flu and was coughing and sneezing for a week. I think he is also better today.

worthy pursuits

Today there were so many precious lessons from the bible study with hlc. I shall share some. Our study was from 1Tim6. One of lessons teaches us to "flee" and "pursue" - the Christian life is active and not passive - it is not static, apathetic nor inert. The Christian fights battles on many fronts - apostle Paul warns Timothy of the many temptations and dangers that are destructive and injurious, if we are not aware of and alert to them - the lure and enticement of materialism - the desire to want more and more. Flee from such desires. Counter to that, we should focus on and actively seek after "worthy pursuits"

1 pursue righteousness - is having a right attitude towards GOD and man

2 seek after godliness - is a persistent awareness of the presence of GOD, in nature, in circumstances

3 desire faith - is to remain loyal to GOD through all the ups and downs of life, wholly trusting in Him

4 covet love - is responding to affection from GOD

5 possess endurance - is to bear with difficulties, victoriously and cheerfully

6 put on gentleness - is not being docile but not be easily offended and angered

Such are worthy pursuits for the Christian.

Finally one last sharing from a deep-thinking Christian as she expressed her thoughts on what is contentment - how to arrive at a state of contentment. It is not spouting deprivation, deprivation is not contentment, absence of things is not contentment. Rather, contentment requires one to be godly, pursuing godliness and focus on the presence of GOD in everything, for without godliness it is difficult to find contentment. It is a "twinning" concept, there cannot be one without the other. Thus apostle Paul says "now godliness with contentment is great gain".

Indeed, godliness is the persistent awareness of the presence of GOD, as we increase and develop this mindset, and be more and more conscious of GOD and His workings, we will learn to strive less for our selves and grow to be more content with what we want for ourselves. To learn contentment, it has to start with the pursuit of godliness.

dental works

I will be going in for some dental work on an existing crown which has been chipping off over the last year. The doctor has kept off the repair as it was rather minor but now large parts are gone. I thought it best to do the repair while I am ok. The risk for mm patients doing dentals, is onj (necrosis of the jaw) - this is because many of us are on zometa, a bone strengthening drug. After discussing with Dr. T, we decided to schedule the dental work in-between the zometa infusions - my last was in Jan 11 and the next on 8 Mar. There will be 2 visits to the dental clinic (it was shifted 1 week later because I was down with flu). The first visit on thursday 25th Feb at 5pm will take 1.45hr - to remove existing crown, making a mould and fit a temporary cover over the tooth - I will also take 2g of amoxillin an hour before the procedure to prevent infection. A week later on 5th Mar, the installation of crown. The dental surgeon assures me that this is a simple and uncomplicated procedure with little discomfort and injury. Nonetheless I seek your prayers for this simple work.

- the doctor will be able to access and remove the existing crown with little injury to the gums

- normal healing to the site (I am not sure if the weekly dose of 20mg dex may slow it, some mm patients on dex, experience slow healing to wounds on their skin)

- the amoxillin to kept at bay any possible infection

Thanks, our trust in the LORD to watch over us in all big and small things in our lives.

a bleary CNY

It has been a bleary CNY - I caught the flu bug just at the eve of the lunar New Year and I have been spending the entire week at home. I must say that with prompt medical care, I am on the road to recovery. The scratchy throat and cough disappeared after 3 days and the fever also lasted 3 to 4 days, now I am left with a stuffy, congested nose. Not pleasant. And of course missed all the CNY festivities - Paul said it is good - too much visiting would be too tiring - too much cookies would be bad for health.

On a positive note, the MM marker came down (14.5 to 7.5) - that a piece of good new I wanted to share. It came down after just 3 weeks of dex and thal - that is quite remarkable, even Dr T was very surprised and pleased and thankful. With the flu, I skipped med for this week and hope to continue with the weekly dose next wed. Dex gives me the 'high' and 'low' - hyper, wakefulness - muscle aches/cramps. Will bear with it since it brings the marker down and until it gets to a stable level again.

We give thanks to the LORD. I thank you too, my friends, for your intercession.

don't waste your cancer - JP and DP

I was directed by a friend to this webarticle by John Piper and the added reflections of David Powlison. JP gave 10 reasons why Christians should not waste their experience with cancer. It is truly quite amazing to look at this dreaded disease in such a bold and courageous manner. Ultimately it speaks of a remarkably strong faith that fully trust in a Sovereign GOD who is loving and good. I recap on some of the points made. For the full commentary go to http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/TasteAndSee/ByDate/2006/1776_Dont_Waste_Your_Cancer/

(This website allows for sharing of this material in its full context)

1. You will waste your cancer if you do not believe it is designed for you by God.

It will not do to say that God only uses our cancer but does not design it. What God permits, he permits for a reason. And that reason is his design. If God foresees molecular developments becoming cancer, he can stop it or not. If he does not, he has a purpose. Since he is infinitely wise, it is right to call this purpose a design. Satan is real and causes many pleasures and pains. But he is not ultimate. So when he strikes Job with boils (Job 2:7), Job attributes it ultimately to God (2:10) and the inspired writer agrees: “They . . . comforted him for all the evil that the Lord had brought upon him” (Job 42:11). If you don’t believe your cancer is designed for you by God, you will waste it.

DP: Recognizing his designing hand does not make you stoic or dishonest or artificially buoyant. Instead, the reality of God’s design elicits and channels your honest outcry to your one true Savior. God’s design invites honest speech, rather than silencing us into resignation. Consider the honesty of the Psalms, of King Hezekiah (Isaiah 38), of Habakkuk 3. These people are bluntly, believingly honest because they know that God is God and set their hopes in him. Psalm 28 teaches you passionate, direct prayer to God. He must hear you. He will hear you. He will continue to work in you and your situation. This outcry comes from your sense of need for help (28:1-2). Then name your particular troubles to God (28:3-5). You are free to personalize with your own particulars. Often in life’s ‘various trials’ (James 1:2), what you face does not exactly map on to the particulars that David or Jesus faced - but the dynamic of faith is the same. Having cast your cares on him who cares for you, then voice your joy (28:6-7): the God-given peace that is beyond understanding. Finally, because faith always works out into love, your personal need and joy will branch out into loving concern for others (28:8-9). Illness can sharpen your awareness of how thoroughly God has already and always been at work in every detail of your life.

I find DP's reflections added further depth to JP's - yes, we cannot be "artificially buoyant" and dishonestly pretend that it does not hurt and cause fear, or that we welcome suffering and pain with open arms. But like Hezekiah, we can cry out to our LORD to help and rescue - "O LORD, I am oppressed; Undertake for me!" - that is a honest cry - wow, what a stunning expression - Undertake for me- Telling GOD, I am helpless, there is nothing I can do but You, Sovereign LORD can do everything. The LORD will undertake to walk alongside us through the entire journey. The end is not the highlight but the journey and the deepening of faith is what matters - being able to voice the joy and experiencing GOD-given peace, truly is experiencing GOD in a very special way.

3. You will waste your cancer if you seek comfort from your odds rather than from God.

The design of God in your cancer is not to train you in the rationalistic, human calculation of odds. The world gets comfort from their odds. Not Christians. Some count their chariots (percentages of survival) and some count their horses (side effects of treatment), but we trust in the name of the Lord our God (Psalm 20:7). God’s design is clear from 2 Corinthians 1:9, “We felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead.” The aim of God in your cancer (among a thousand other good things) is to knock props out from under our hearts so that we rely utterly on him.

DP: God himself is your comfort. He gives himself. The hymn “Be Still My Soul” (by Katerina von Schlegel) reckons the odds the right way: we are 100% certain to suffer, and Christ is 100% certain to meet us, to come for us, comfort us, and restore love’s purest joys. The hymn “How Firm a Foundation” reckons the odds the same way: you are 100% certain to pass through grave distresses, and your Savior is 100% certain to “be with you, your troubles to bless, and sanctify to you your deepest distress.” With God, you aren’t playing percentages, but living within certainties.

Talking about odds - it is true that doctors will give their best professional judgement of the various treatments they may propose for you and the possible side effects, the risks and mortality - it will always be some big and small number, whether 50-50% or 70-30% or 99.9-0.1%. You would think it is better to be in the 99.9-0.1% scenario. But no doctor can promise that you will not be that 0.1%. It is comforting when the odds are favourable but we will feel let-down when we are on the wrong side. With GOD we will not be betting on odds but 100% promise of present comfort and future eternal life.

5. You will waste your cancer if you think that “beating” cancer means staying alive rather than cherishing Christ.

Satan’s and God’s designs in your cancer are not the same. Satan designs to destroy your love for Christ. God designs to deepen your love for Christ. Cancer does not win if you die. It wins if you fail to cherish Christ. God’s design is to wean you off the breast of the world and feast you on the sufficiency of Christ. It is meant to help you say and feel, “I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.” And to know that therefore, “To live is Christ, and to die is gain” (Philippians 3:8; 1:21).

DP: Cherishing Christ expresses the two core activities of faith: dire need and utter joy. Many psalms cry out in a ‘minor key’: we cherish our Savior by needing him to save us from real troubles, real sins, real sufferings, real anguish. Many psalms sing out in a ‘major key’: we cherish our Savior by delighting in him, loving him, thanking him for all his benefits to us, rejoicing that his salvation is the weightiest thing in the world and that he gets last say. And many psalms start out in one key and end up in the other. Cherishing Christ is not monochromatic; you live the whole spectrum of human experience with him. To ‘beat’ cancer is to live knowing how your Father has compassion on his beloved child, because he knows your frame, that you are but dust. Jesus Christ is the way, the truth, and the life. To live is to know him, whom to know is to love.

I like this part that cherishing Christ is not "monochromatic" - from a 'minor key' we can and should progress towards a 'major key' - living out the full spectrum of human experience - a delightful exuberance when we experience real troubles and real joy! Cancer wins when we fail to cherish Christ and deepen our love for Him.

7. You will waste your cancer if you let it drive you into solitude instead of deepen your relationships with manifest affection.

When Epaphroditus brought the gifts to Paul sent by the Philippian church he became ill and almost died. Paul tells the Philippians, “He has been longing for you all and has been distressed because you heard that he was ill” (Philippians 2:26-27). What an amazing response! It does not say they were distressed that he was ill, but that he was distressed because they heard he was ill. That is the kind of heart God is aiming to create with cancer: a deeply affectionate, caring heart for people. Don’t waste your cancer by retreating into yourself.

DP: Our culture is terrified of facing death. It is obsessed with medicine. It idolizes youth, health and energy. It tries to hide any signs of weakness or imperfection. You will bring huge blessing to others by living openly, believingly and lovingly within your weaknesses. Paradoxically, moving out into relationships when you are hurting and weak will actually strengthen others. ‘One anothering’ is a two-way street of generous giving and grateful receiving. Your need gives others an opportunity to love. And since love is always God’s highest purpose in you, too, you will learn his finest and most joyous lessons as you find small ways to express concern for others even when you are most weak. A great, life-threatening weakness can prove amazingly freeing. Nothing is left for you to do except to be loved by God and others, and to love God and others.

Yep. I have experienced “one anothering” in a big way! There was a lot of generous giving on the part of many and definitely grateful receiving on my end. Even to this day, I am still receiving (not kidding, yesterday, pots of chicken buah keluak and radish cakes) – we have been blessed and loved, many times over and over again! Paul and I are cherished in this loving community of believers. It is not just loved by GOD alone, it is definitely GOD and others!

8. You will waste your cancer if you grieve as those who have no hope.

Paul used this phrase in relation to those whose loved ones had died: “We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope” (1 Thessalonians 4:13). There is a grief at death. Even for the believer who dies, there is temporary loss—loss of body, and loss of loved ones here, and loss of earthly ministry. But the grief is different—it is permeated with hope. “We would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord” (2 Corinthians 5:8). Don’t waste your cancer grieving as those who don’t have this hope.

DP: Show the world this different way of grieving. Paul said that he would have had “grief upon grief” if his friend Epaphroditus had died. He had been grieving, feeling the painful weight of his friend’s illness. He would have doubly grieved if his friend had died. But this loving, honest, God-oriented grief coexisted with “rejoice always” and “the peace of God that passes understanding” and “showing a genuine concern for your welfare.” How on earth can heartache coexist with love, joy, peace, and an indestructible sense of life purpose? In the inner logic of faith, this makes perfect sense. In fact, because you have hope, you may feel the sufferings of this life more keenly: grief upon grief. In contrast, the grieving that has no hope often chooses denial or escape or busyness because it can’t face reality without becoming distraught. In Christ, you know what’s at stake, and so you keenly feel the wrong of this fallen world. You don’t take pain and death for granted. You love what is good, and hate what is evil. After all, you follow in the image of “a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief.” But this Jesus chose his cross willingly “for the joy set before him.” He lived and died in hopes that all come true. His pain was not muted by denial or medication, nor was it tainted with despair, fear, or thrashing about for any straw of hope that might change his circumstances. Jesus’ final promises overflow with the gladness of solid hope amid sorrows: “My joy will be in you, and your joy will be made full. Your grief will be turned to joy. No one will take your joy away from you. Ask, and you will receive, so that your joy will be made full. These things I speak in the world, so that they may have my joy made full in themselves” (selection from John 15-17).

Grief is no fun and a heavy burden to carry. Can one turn it into a GOD-oriented grief that co-exists with joy and peace, where there is hope and meaning and purpose. Surely the CHRISTian must – for that is the reason why we bear the name of CHRIST.

DP:You come to terms with life and death on his terms. He will gentle you, purify you, cleanse you of vanities. He will make you need him and love him. He rearranges your priorities, so first things come first more often. He will walk with you. Of course you’ll fail at times, perhaps seized by irritability or brooding, escapism or fears. But he will always pick you up when you stumble. Your inner enemy - a moral cancer 10,000 times more deadly than your physical cancer.

This final parting shot from DP is just outstanding. What is more life threatening than the dreaded cancer, are besetting sins - pride, greed, lust, hatred, unforgiveness, impatience, laziness, procrastination – all these are worst than cancer. But GOD is all gentleness when it comes to dealing with His children who are in need of His compassion and comfort – He will gentle you, purify you and cleanse you of vanities.

place of tension

This morning, Paul was carrying this book and I took a quick glimpse into the content. It is a collection of Martyn-Lloyd Jones' sermons. In one of the chapters, MLJ gave his views on how he sees GOD answers prayer. He takes us away from the petition and the answer; but directs our thoughts on the process, the journey and the Almighty.

This is what MLJ says:

He tests our faith.

He proves us.

He leaves us in the place of tension to discover whether we are really trusting Him.

He does not deliver us at once.

He leaves it until the last moment in order that our faith may be tried.

The wind is allowed to blow in order that the oak may become mighty and strong.

Are you beset round about by difficulties?

Do you feel you are in an impossible situation?

Are you downcast and disconsolate?

Believe,

Trust,

In His good time,

He will answer.

He will act.

Pray on.

Hold on and you will not be disappointed.

Psalm 22:5 "They cried to you and were saved; in you they trusted and were not disappointed."

tuesday, wednesday...

I am again thankful that I could drive myself on tuesday for bible study and wednesday for my physiotherapy. On both days, Paul had meetings and was not able to drive me. Actually I am happy to have some "independence" and not have Paul send me everywhere. I think this way I will gain my confidence and can start to resume more normal activities. I have to persuade Paul to believe that I can do it. Really I don't want to be treated like an "invalid"!

Many, many MM patients lead a reasonably normal life even though they frequently have various oral and intravenous treatments. I believe I can be normal again.... and that happens when I can be less dependent. So when you see Paul, please persuade him to loosen his reins on me... please help.

Tomorrow (friday) I am going to physio again, I shall drive myself, unless if we decide to have lunch out together after that.

gone home

Our dear friend lsc has gone home to be with our LORD yesterday evening. This is after being in hospital for the whole of January and the pain was getting very bad. We are thankful that she no longer suffers, she is in the arms of Jesus. She has battled colon cancer for 5 years and had undergone numerous chemos. She had been brave and courageous throughout this time. Another thing she had, was a 100% devoted and supportive husband in A. A suffers a different kind of pain... pain of his heart when he sees the cancer progressed. The last quarter had been extremely difficult, lsc had to go into the hospital many times when vomiting persisted and she could not consume food. The last month was totally without any nutrition except for continuous intravenous drip to hydrate and pain med. The last week, she was barely conscious, most time drowsed with a cocktail of sedatives.

Most people will fight a losing battle with cancer. It can be lonely and frightening to go through the end days of pain and mental roller-coaster, as these drugs affect the mind, causing hallucinations. The last we saw her, she was still lucid and smiling and peaceful. She was comforted with deborah mae's cd on "come to the water". But soon after, her condition deteriorated very rapidly.

But one thing Christians have for certain - Jesus walks with us through the valley of the shadow of death. We really will need Him then, because nobody can share the pain or the loneliness. Really that final journey we have to walk alone. Psalm 23 assures of the presence of our Shepherd.

little encouragements and a huge "tent"

The past few days, I have received several little encouragements. Surely these are by GOD's grace. And why am I in need of encouragement? Well, the last lot of Vidaza jabs, have given me some discomfort (not really that bad but I could not get into my regular clothes - my pants tightens on the abdomen and I really could not stay in it for long. This time round, the first day's jabs took quite many days to subside, usually the swelling should ease off first... but the bumps were rather painful and worrisome...that I thought I may have to excise them! Phew, that would be unpleasant. But they have now reduced to pea-size - THANK GOD!

My distress came about when I had to go to church last Sunday in a "tent" which is my "baggiest of baggiest" long dress. I looked into my wardrobe and there was nothing to fit me except for this huge house-coat like dress - but it was presentable and most importantly, comfortable. Well, I am surely thankful that it was there for me. This piece has been with me for over 10 years, it is more like a casual resort type wear. There was another one which I had given away or packed up. So I was really glad it came in handy this time.

Now back to the little encouragements. I didn't take note of them until yesterday. And they were all there for me since Sunday and everyday after that - Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday!

Sometimes we are blessed with goodness from our LORD and we don't even notice.

On Sunday, at church, lkw started the worship service with reading from Psalm 33. My thoughts focused on verses 18-22.

"But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love, to deliver them from death and keep them alive in famine. We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you."

This sharing blessed me in that reaffirmed my last post when I ended the blog with placing my hope in the LORD but I did not add a scriptural reference and this passage speaks fully of my hope and our hope. This is how our LORD watches over His children - v13-14"From heaven the LORD looks down and see mankind; from His dwelling place He watches all who live on earth - He forms the hearts of all, who considers everything they do." We may frequently forget how the LORD's eyes are on those who fear Him, but He is watching over all of us all the time and He considers what we do. Yes, v4 "For the word of the LORD is right and true; He is faithful in all He does." My heart is blessed by the reading of the word. GOD's word is life to us and it can lift our spirit to rejoice and glorify Him.

On Monday, through the post, I received a Thank You card. Just to know that a little something I did, can bless another person, is great encouragement. For a long time I have been a recipient of the generosity and kindness of many; I, on the other hand, has not been able to do much for anyone. Truly it is by GOD's grace if anyone of us can do good and be a blessing. Let all of us, who are able, be ceaselessly seeking to be channels of GOD's grace to others.

On Tuesday, at Biblestudy, I talked to the friend who "anonymously" gave me the book from AWTozer, I kind of knew she could be the one to give it to me. We were so happy talking about the deep insights of Tozer's writings. I wrote excerpts of my readings in the blog and she was glad to share with me her thoughts. I am especially happy whenever someone respond to my sharing, especially on lessons I learned. (I did not write in vain or foolishly). It takes little to make me happy and this is of one of them.

On Wednesday night, Paul and I went to pick up some bread from Swissbake and just when we are about to leave, I spotted lsh, we were together in BSF - 2006/2007. We asked of each other, she of my health and I of her girls. She could only keep tab of me through my blog and said that she has been encouraged by it. Little does she know that her words have encouraged me to keep on writing. Many times I think I should "end" this blog. But then again, I am not in "perfect" health (CR), so I still have to keep posting and updating. What irony, if I become well, I would stop blogging - when and where then would I have the opportunities to speak so boldly of GOD's grace and goodness to me. So let me continue to praise our LORD in this blog for as long as I can.

Don't you think I have been blessed much from Sunday...Monday...Tuesday ...and Wednesday!

4th Vidaza cycle - done

Started mid last week and completed the 4th cycle of Vidaza yesterday. Dr. T is quite certain ("cautiously optimistic" that is what a fellow patient's husband put it) that I need only 4 cycles and not the full 8. Hopefully this will be the case after the bone marrow biopsy in a month's time. The doctor can only give his best guess, nothing is 100% certain.

On the MM front, I have been given increased medication of Dexa and Thalidomide and be reviewed in 3 weeks' time. Hope that peripheral neuropathy from T, will not affect me too much.

Our hope is in the LORD, for His grace and His perfect will.

Religious lopsidedness

This chapter, so titled, instantly caught my attention. AWT is practical and pragmatic in his deliberation of the "Incredible Christian". Yes, indeed, we can be so "incredibly" lopsided that those not of the same faith and inclination, simply draws away from us purely because of our asymmetric behaviour. He talks of this "moral dualism" of being a child of GOD and still flesh of Adam's race, is a constant source of distress and struggle. Our desperate attempts at holiness without the in-working of the Holy Spirit will result in "spiritual deformity."

Consider these:

-when in our determination to be bold we become brazen (when boldness lost its charity)

-when in our desire to be frank we become rude (the Christian who boasts of calling a spade a spade end up calling everything a spade)

-when in our effort to be watchful we become suspicious (see enemies when none exist, spirit of hostility)

-when we seek to be serious and become somber (gloominess is a defect of character...there is no charm in religious melancholy)

-when we mean to be conscientious and become over-scrupulous (their world of permitted acts become narrower and narrower until at last they fear to engage in the common pursuits of life)

Reflect on the above and avoid at all costs.

Sanctified thinking

Today I share of AWT's thoughts on THINKING.

Thinking is a kind of living - to think is to be conscious. One does not need to think great thoughts, highly intellectual matters of concern but thinking right is far more important. It is not heavy thinking that shapes our character but the quiet attention of our mind to the surrounding world. Greatness is not necessary found in a magnificent poetry or art. Feats of thinking may create reputation but habits of thinking create character.

Sanctified thinking builds up a godly man. Circumstances do not make men; it is their reaction to circumstances that determines what kind of men they will be. The Christian should be and must be modified and conditioned by the Spirit. The Spirit-filled, prayerful Christian actually possesses the mind of CHRIST. Philippians 2:5 "Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus"

GOD must have all our thoughts in order that we be sanctified in our thinking. No need to go in search for great philosophies.

Incredible and remarkable AWTozer

Incredible and remarkable. This book by AW Tozer, is much more. It contains many excellent gems to refresh "old" Christians, set and ingrained in their ways. There is always a need for renewal of the mind.

I will share as I read:

To be Understood, Truth must be Lived -

Biblical doctrine is ineffective until it has been digested and assimilated by the total life.

Fact and Truth.

Truth in Scriptures is more than a fact.

Fact may be detached, impersonal, cold, disassociated from life.

Truth is warm, living, spiritual.

A theological fact may be held in the mind for a lifetime without its having any positive effect upon the moral character; but truth is creative, saving, transforming and always changes the one who receives it.

At what point does a theological fact become a life-giving truth? At the point where obedience begins - when faith gains the consent of the will!

Truth cannot aid us until we become participators. Understanding and participation is inseparable.

The individual that is Bible taught (fact) without being Spirit taught has simply failed to see that truth lies deeper than the theological statement of it.

"the natural man receiveth not the things of the Spirit" even though they boast of their knowledge of truth.

reflections for the New Year

Paul and I spent some early morning hours on the last day of 2009 at Kent Ridge Park. This little part of the ridge is so beautifully green, cool and breezy. The park has many tall and mature trees and the setting is so tranquil and peaceful. We brought our two camper chairs and settled down to do some reflections and prayers. Our focus was to read and contemplate the book of Ecclesiastes. We each read aloud a chapter alternately.

I will share my reflections and the verse that I feel inclined to guide me through towards 2010.

Eccl.5:20 "He seldom reflects on the days of his life, because GOD keeps him occupied with gladness of heart."

I find this verse to be deeply thoughtful and contemplative of GOD's goodness. Looking ahead for the new year I would like to focus less on myself; instead be more filled and fulfilled with thanksgiving and with gladness of heart. Be looking at the goodness and greatness of GOD in all the works He will be doing around me.

I pray and ask you to pray along with me that the LORD will keep me steadfast and faithful.

December - a time for rejoicing

December is coming to an end for 2009 and I haven't even posted anything. Yet by GOD's grace I have had many joyous days. So it is not right for me to not write.....

First week of December, we, all seven of us with Thaddaeus had time to spend together. It was good to have some time of quietness with everyone - the boys Gerald and Russ, and Adele had finished with exams, were all in need of a good rest. For us, rest is just having time to lunch together, cooking dinner together and taking walks. We took the opportunity to have family photos taken - this was done in a wooded setting. The last time we had a family portrait was almost 12 years ago (oops, forgot, there was one taken 4 years back, studio kind); and everybody has changed, grown taller, wider, hair greyer and more importantly, new members added - Andy, Adele, Thadd! - truly they are blessings from the LORD. Our photograher RO did a fantastic job in 1 hour and took many great shots. We really like the outdoor scenes.

Christmas time was also a time to get together with our friends. Just thinking about the past Christmases and how it was this year, it is definitely with much gratitude and thanksgiving.

Christmas 2007 was very quiet, no celebration; Christmas 2008 was back to the usual with plenty of food and festive cheer but I remember I felt tired; and now for Christmas 2009, I was in "top-form", I lasted till the end of evening (which was 10pm as there was early service the next morning). There is definitely much improvement in my physical well-being. Isn't all this reason to be thankful. Yet in the midst of all this celebration, we are reminded of the most precious gift - our Savior - the reason for the season.

Another "momentous" celebration - our 30th wedding anniversary! Isn't wonderful - we were able to rejoice over GOD's abundant grace and goodness in blessing our 30 years together.

Yes!!! there is so much to be joyful and so much to celebrate. When we are able to see and experience all these milestones, we should together with as many who love us, lift up our hands in praise to our LORD!

December has truly been a time for much rejoicing.

My favourite bible verse for many Decembers now, has been: Psalm 36:8,9

"They feast on the abundance of your house;

You give them drink from your river of delights.

For with you is the fountain of life;

in Your light we see light."

and we fervently seek GOD's favour -

"Continue your love to those who know You,

Your righteousness to the upright in heart."

a start - MDS

Today Paul and I met with W and A. We have been told by Dr. G that W is keen on starting a local support group for MDS - those with dysplastic blood cells. It was good to meet with another person with MDS. I am sure it will be helpful for us to share about how we are managing and coping and living with our condition. At least we know we are not alone in this challenging journey, we can encourage one another.

little troubles

Last Sunday, I chatted with this lady who is an organist, who frequently and sincerely asked about my health. Only once did she talked about herself and only then did I realise she has her own troubles. I think she said she fell and injured her hand. For a piano teacher, this is bad news. She sought medical help and her orthopaedic doctor told her that her thumb which became bent cannot be operated on. While the injury and pain has subsided, the bent shape remained, surgery cannot straighten it and she was told she cannot play the piano or organ in the same way as before. Such discouraging news! However this cheerful lady places her faith in our LORD and trusts in His help. Instead of being downcast as she look at her bent thumb and last finger, she exclaimed that the bent thumb and finger are great for playing the organ. They are now angled in such a way that she can play the piano and organ, even better. While she may have difficulty pressing the little buttons on her mobile, that is not important. What is more important is that she can still play. She was so pleased to tell that to me. Yes, the doctor was "right" in some way, she cannot play as before, true but wrong, she can play even better now! I could feel her joy and her gratitude to GOD.

It is so beautiful when one does not stay discourage or sad with whatever troubles one may have.

Life is not a bed of roses and without troubles. It is how we look at it and live it that will fill it with joy and peace. Praise GOD for S.

Jeremiah - so picturesque

It's really amazing what one can learn from the book of Jeremiah. A major old testament book with 52 chapters, is it possible to do a study of it in 9 weeks? Well, yes. Our bible study teacher, HLC, has made it so picturesque that I just have to share what I have learnt.

Jeremiah is known as the "weeping prophet" with a sorrowful ministry that lasted 40 years. He was called as a young man, fearful, self-doubting "I do not know how to speak, I am only a child," spiritually and socially immature. Yet he like many others would be called to accomplish extraordinary work for a disconsolate nation in a time of religious persecutions and apostasies. To be called by GOD, most time, is never to a life of ease. Jeremiah's life was full of sorrow, rejection, criticism, hostility, loneliness, hardship, pain, tears ..... would one say or conclude that it was a happy life, a successful career.... hardly. But for sure, in GOD's eyes, it served a specific and glorious purpose. Jeremiah lived in full obedience to GOD's moral standards and ways; spoke and acted as the LORD instructed him.

What is the book of Jeremiah about? It is a call to wake up and get real!

We did not cover all 52 chapters but a selection; and from this, LC was able to pull out a very "picturesque" overview. Our study is portrayed in 9 images - an almond tree, a beautiful temple, a linen sash, the potter and clay, the righteous branch, 2 baskets of figs, the cup of wrath, a worthless field and sinking in the mud.

I mind-mapped it.

Imagine a young Jeremiah growing old with a long beard, walking past "an almond tree" towards "a beautifully renovated temple", wearing "a ceremonial linen sash" in one hand carrying "a righteous branch" over his shoulder, balancing at one end, "a clay pot" and on the other end "2 baskets of figs" and his other hand holding "a cup of wrath"; along the way, he bought "a worthless field" and just before his destination, he fell into a well "sinking in the mud". What a tragedy!

An almond tree -

It is flowering - sign of warm weather - a sign that something is going to happen. We live in a world of cause and effect, if we obey, we reap promises, if we disobey, we will reap judgment. There is serious consequences for godlessness and apostasy. Like J, we are in a time of spiritual apathy and rapid moral decline. The word, almond - "shoqed" sounds like "shaqed". "Shaqed" means "I am watching" (J1:12, J7:11). GOD is watching and He will act soon.

A beautiful temple -

Is our Christian faith just a beautifully renovated temple but its pews are empty. There is outward religiosity but devoid of holiness and godliness - a false spirituality - incorrigibly religious and puffed up with spiritual pride. In J's time, their religion was a veneer, superficial, religious observance without moral obedience. Likewise in our times, truth is perverted, corrupted and has varnished from our hearts. There is no covenant blessing without covenant obedience. There is no faith without practice of holiness.

A ceremonial linen sash -

The ceremonial linen sash is adorned to display GOD's glory. This suggests a picture of beauty, honor, loyalty and dignity. That is what our lives are to be - a walking display, a living sermon of GOD's holiness and glory. We are not meant (a piece of expensive, exquisite linen) to be buried under the crevice of a rock to become wet, mouldy and useless.

Are we to be committed to nothing, loyal to no one; living only to please self?

Eph 1:6, 12,14 - we are to be the praise of His glorious grace

The clay pot -

Either we believe or we don't - it is as simple as this - GOD is our Maker. He is Creator. He is Sovereign.

That being the case, there is nothing difficult about the concept of potter and clay. He can do anything to us and with us. Some could become monuments and masterpieces; others, simply household utensils, yet useful and important. Are we pliable in His hands?

WE - we are helpless. HE - His authority is total.

GOD has a purpose for every life He is molding - the Potter is not playing with clay! No potter would set out to create an "ugly" "useless" piece. No, we are works of beauty to be molded into a monument of GOD's love and grace. We have no intrinsic beauty and worth but what we can become depends on the Potter and how "malleable" we are. "Our lives is an interplay of GOD's sovereignty and man's response." HLC

A righteous branch -

Bad shepherds and false teachers who are "soft" on sin, no integrity, close an eye to the decadence of a permissive society, there is a dissonance in what they say - speaking pleasant and comforting words that are worthless and damaging and harmful. A good shepherd must provide safe boundaries for their sheep and cultivate deep convictions for own godliness and godliness of the sheep.

2 baskets of figs -

Every person is on offering to GOD (or other gods - gods of wealth, greed, pride, career etc). We decide who we offer our lives to. And we are either an offering of "good" or "bad" figs. We either receive GOD's care and protection, when we obey as "good" figs, or we receive GOD's punishment, when we disobey as "bad" figs.

We need to have a true perspective of our future and not be derailed by present circumstances. We must be willing to trust GOD's leading through difficult situations. Our present and immediate may sour our perspective of the "eternal" future. Our desire for immediate gratification, a mentality for "blessings now" are signs of a consumer-driven society. We need to learn a higher order of obedience and look beyond just the present, towards a glorious eternal future.

A cup of wrath -

One hard truth post-modern world needs to know is that GOD is an angry GOD. GOD has always been depicted as a good, loving, kind, compassionate, forgiving GOD and we forget that ANGER is very much a dimension of GOD's character. He is angry with evil, injustice, immorality, wickedness. Every man, woman and child has to drink either the cup of wrath or the cup of covenant. Jesus Christ has taken that cup of wrath and as believers, we have in our hands the cup of covenant.

Here is a message to remind us of GOD's anger. GOD is infinitely holy and has no tolerance for sin, He is slow to anger and that does not mean no anger, it means there is a time to His anger.

A worthless field -

J was told to buy a worthless field. In the midst of war and been taken over by the Babylonians, J was given such a strange and unusual instruction. And yes, J obeyed fully. He was been taken advantage of by his relative, who wanted to sell the family's field to J. In wars, immovable assets are worthless, cash is king. Exploited or not, J willed himself to fear and obey GOD and not be "smiffed" by a cunning relative.

This "investment" points to a future of hope and restoration. GOD will NOT remain angry forever. His punishment will come to an end. He is a GOD of many chances. He promises hope and a future. This "worthless" field looks beyond one restoration, but to many restorations and to the greater restoration of salvation by grace to all humankind. GOD will work at the hearts of man and cause them to be single-minded in love for Him. A new heart and a new everlasting covenant. GOD will rejoice in doing us good. J29:11-14. J32:38-42

Wow. A beautiful message of judgment turned to hope.

Sinking in mud -

Poor J, maligned and misunderstood to the very end, suffered ignobly in the hands of his countrymen. He was thrown into a cistern and sunk into the mud till his neck. GOD rescued him through the kind and courageous Cushite, Ebed-Melech.

This image of sinking in the mud paints the society we are in - social and moral decline and an even greater a danger - spiritual decay - when our commitment to GOD remains tentative and lukewarm. Are we really serious about our Christian faith? There is no easy obedience.

"The price of obedience is high but the price of disobedience is infinitely higher." HLC

"There is a way of life that leads to death and a way of death that leads to life." John Stott

"For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it." Lk 9:24

Do we think for a minute that J had an easy life and full of blessings. No, it was with lots of hardship and pain and rejection, it was a tough 40-years ministry. We look at this faithful, obedient and committed giant of a prophet and know that we can endure and go through whatever the LORD puts before us. Our lives must be to His praise and glory. May the LORD help us.

The "I Will" GOD

This week our bible study is on Jeremiah 32 and I am especially reminded that in every aspect of life our GOD is sovereign and omnipotent. We frequently need to be reminded "who" He is and what He will do our lives.

Who He is:

-He made the heavens and earth by His great power and outstretched arm.

-Nothing too hard for Him

-He show love to thousands

-He is great and powerful

-He is LORD Almighty

-Great are His purposes

-Mighty are His deeds

-His eyes are opened to the ways of men

-He reward men according to their conduct and deeds

He will:

-I will surely gather them

-I will bring them back and let them live in safety

-I will be their GOD (they will be my people)

-I will give them singleness of heart

-I will make an everlasting covenant with them

-I will never stop doing good to them

-I will inspire them to fear me (so they will never turn away from me)

-I will rejoice in doing them good

This GOD of Jeremiah is the same yesterday, today and forever. Amen

third cycle

Yesterday was the last day for jabs. Yeah, the seven days went by real fast for this third cycle. My tummy looks a mess but it's all covered up. It will take about a week for the redness to go away. My reaction this time was mostly in the evening after 6pm, I did feel nauseous and cannot eat much, low grade fever (according to nurse Ida, it is a good response to have some fever). So for the past few days, I ate more at breakfast, lunchtime and had a little soup at dinnertime. Once I know how my body takes to Vidaza, I can respond appropriately. I also slept much earlier. In a few days, I should revert back to normal condition.

Anyway through the past months, I have been gaining weight...oh dear....good...but not too much.

All these "goodness" is by GOD's grace and strength...we can do all things (and go through all things) through CHRIST who strengthens us.

no icing

M-band showed no change from last reading, so there is no "icing" on the cake. But we can be thankful that it hasn't gone up, bearing in mind that I am not on any maintenance for myeloma.

I have already done 2 days of Vidaza (this is for MDS condition), and am taking it well. I was able to drive there and back - now, that is a major achievement. (Paul had meetings on these days)

By GOD's grace I shall enjoy each day with His strength. I hold firmly to Isaiah 41:10 - He will uphold me with His righteous right hand.